Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Out of the Fog | Part One

Part One

It has been far too long since we've connected here on this little corner of the internet. Mostly it's due to my simple lack of ability to manage my time well. For the last year or more I feel like I have been out of sorts & out of touch with so many things in my life. Time has just been passing by with out me stopping to even acknowledge the life that is happening around me. 
I'm not sure where the disconnect started from. I don't even know how it happened. But about 6 weeks ago, I woke up from the hazy-foggy disconnection that had been consuming me for far too long. 
Now that I am here, on the other side of the fog. I have some perspective, some thoughts & some insight into what the hell was going on with me. I'll be sharing all of that here in the very near future. Until then, I wanted to share some of the moments from a very wonderful Saturday I shared with the little wolves.
I decided to skip the usual weekend blur of cleaning, organizing, sanitizing, cleaning, cooking, cleaning & repeat... 

I skipped it all because snowmachine race season was over.
I skipped it all because I wanted to enjoy the nice weather.
I skipped it all because the kids needed a break.
I skipped it all because I needed to feel connected to the world around me.
I skipped it all because I needed a break.

I skipped it all because my children deserve to explore, experience & grow.
I'm not sure why I feel the need to justify why we spent our weekend doing more than cleaning. Maybe it's because it's Tuesday & my house is still a disaster. Maybe it's because I feel constant pressure as a stay-at-home mom to have a perfected household routine. Maybe it's because I feel having a clean home is just as important as allowing my children to explore & experience new things. 

I'm still sorting my thoughts out when it comes to the balance between managing a house & allowing my children to just experience life. I'll share the journey here as it happens. 
For our weekend adventure we went to the Matanuska River Park outside of Palmer. There was some easy hiking, lots of rock collecting, attempts at rock skipping, splashing, dancing & all around soul cleansing fun. Below are the moments I captured... 

As I look at these pictures I'm reminded of how gloriously sweet it was to be out in the world with my kids. How, through their eyes, I too can enjoy the simplest moments of life.
 For so long I felt that by having kids, my life would have to change monumentally in order for me to be able to survive parenthood. My journey up to here, by societies definition, has not been a conventional or even acceptable one. 
Somehow, with that thought in my mind, I was consumed by something I didn't & still do not fully understand. Now, there is a new thought, a lighthouse, a beacon of clarity, & a renewed sense of self that I'm holding on to. 
I do not want to simply survive parenthood, I want to thrive in parenthood. 
I was reminded this weekend of the things that prior to having kids were significant to me. The things that I should have always added to my parenting style. I have simply been going through the motions instead of really getting into the vast possibilities of being a parent. 
I was fortunate enough to have a life that was deeply connected to being outside, exploring, science, creativity, adventure, writing, education, & love. Those are the things I want for my little wolf pack. I want them to feel connected to the wind, the smell of a river bank, the movement of the trees, & the sound of nothing. 
This journey out of the fog to conscious parenthood is not going to be an easy one, but it will perhaps be the most important journey of my life, of my children's lives. They deserve more from me than I have been giving them. 

Here's to thriving in parenthood. 
*This is the point where we hold up our mugs of morning coffee & cheers the bullshit away.*
*We can't actually cheers the bullshit away together because this is the internet.*
*Just pretend with me. Hold up that mug of lukewarm, microwaved 3 times before 10AM, mug of life fuel.*
*Yes, even if it is from yesterday. There are no judgements here.*
*Cheers the bullshit away because we are damn wonderful.*
*Now, go accomplish something you've been ignoring for far too long. You are capable, you are strong & you too will thrive in parenthood.*