Monday, December 22, 2014

Advice I'm Calling Bullshit On.

Life is a complex thing, we are all doing it, but some people are just a whole lot better at it. You know the ones, they seem to always it together. They are enjoying the best of both worlds, all the green grass, & of course they eat all the cake they want & it doesn't go to their ass. It never goes to their ass.
The majority of my life I was annoyed by these people, I rolled my eyes every time they opened their mouths. Everything they did became a pet peeve. Skin crawling, blood boiling, eye rolling pet peeve. These people did nothing to me directly. I was just a hater. 
Until recently. 
Recently I had a revelation & I didn't need to go all Eat, Pray, Love to get there. 
The difference between myself & the certain archetype of assholes mentioned above, is this...
I have taken all of the bad advice I have ever been given & listened to it. They didn't. I ignored all of the substantial life hacks, tips, tricks, & mantras that actually could of amounted to something & they didn't. 

Then I approached the mid-revelation state of my existence.
Mid-revelation,is usually the comforting place where I say screw it & return to my previous non-revelation having state as quickly as Britney shaved her head during that mid-life crisis. I decided to stick with this particular revelation, as I did I realized, my issue is not so much with the perfect, never had lipstick on their teeth humans. It's actually with the people who give bullshit advice. 
The people who read the advice columns & can repeat them verbatim at brunch as if they invented the damn Dear Abby obsession. At first they always seem empathetic to your problems, "Oh I understand," "I've been there," & multiple other lines of crap spew smoothly from their perfect pouts. 
These are the people who I have decided to be forever irritated with. If I was up for it I would also continue to blame them for all of my life problems. It would be so much easier that way. But thanks to some New Years resolutions I scribbled on a napkin circa 2008, I've given up that life. I take responsibility for my embarrassing moments, mistakes, missteps & my bangs. Since I can't play the blame game, I'm going to decimate the bullshit advice these people frequently administer when you're feeling low. I might even give you some tips on how to spot an Advice-Bullshiter so that you can avoid them during this holiday season & beyond. 

Of course to make this worthy of being on the internet I turned to Pinterest to find some real gems of advice. 

1.) The "it is what it is" mantra or "what will be will be" bullshit.
At the root of all of us, we have this control, this powerful, intense, control. Yet, bullshit advice givers will tell you that you have to just stop thinking about it, you have to just let it be what it is. You have no control, because, it is what it is. I'm here to tell you that it is time to say fuck-that-shit & go get what you want. 
You want those fresh Krispy Kreme donuts when they are fresh & hot? Then you get your yoga pants wearing,4 days since you washed your hair, yesterday's mascara on your under-eyes sporting ass out of bed & you go get them. You want to make a life change, think about it, think about it a lot,make your decision & then do it. Don't wait for the universe to spit out a plan for you. Over-think, analyze, imagine & then go fucking do it. 

2.) The About Teenage Boys Advice.
These little tidbits of advice crap are constantly showing their stupid faces. From Pinterest to Tumblr, they are shared, liked, reposted, blogged & potentially considered to be acceptable. I'll admit, this one above isn't advice per-say. But it is perpetuating a certain type of behavior that I have been mighty fed up with for a long time. Girls, stop trying to be desirable to a point where you are sacrificing who you are. Don't dumb yourself down or act like an airhead just to get some dudes attention. Please, do not waste your time on some guy who gets his advice from his pack of equally stupid brethren. A guy who is worth your time will know exactly what he wants & he will be capable of communicating that to you. If he can't, well, you're about to spend the next 5-7 years watching Ice Road Trucker re-runs & wishing you had never gotten those bangs. 

3.) The "let it go" or forget in order to move on bullshit.
Here's the deal. Shitty people are going to do shitty things to you. You are probably going to do shitty things to undeserving people a time or two as well. That is the brutal truth of surviving past the 1st grade, someone is always going to be the asshole & most of us are always going to be trying to move on from their torment. 
You have to move on. You do not, however, have to forget it happened. Someone did something awful to you, remember how it felt, remember how YOU felt, & for goodness sakes, do not forget it so that you can be aware the next time someone else comes along to mess up your life. 
If you do something terrible to another person, have the decency to apologize & make amends. Don't just carry on as if you didn't pull a douche-bag move & all is fine. Own up to your own brand of bad behavior & fix it. Bob the Builder that shit & then you can move on.

4.) This.
You cannot please everyone. Hell, you can't please a third of the people you are going to meet. Everyone has their own expectations & desires. It is not your duty to make sure everyone is 100% satisfied all of the time. Do not live your life in fear of someone talking smack about you. Life your life in a way that everyone has something to say about you. Make waves. Raise a few eyebrows. Get your hands dirty. You know all those cliches about breaking the mold & being who you are... Do those things & just accept the fact that we all talk shit about each other, all the time. It's cathartic. Just be prepared to have to repeat everything you say about someone behind their back to their face. Or passively post about it on the internet & call it writing. Not that I have any experience in that department. 

5.) The Love Advice.
Oh for the love. Unless you want to be living like a step-ford bot for the rest of your existence you're going to have to love with a little tenacity. I've apologized 7 times today. In fact, the only phrase Justin has probably heard more than "Are you fucking kidding me?"  in the last six years is "I'm Sorry." 
No matter how much you love someone, if you are capable of making a genuine human mistake you're going to have to be capable of apologizing too. It is one of the most gentle forms of humanity you can extend to another person. Just to admit you were wrong, a little bit, is healing to whom ever is the object of your affection. Apologize, damn it,& all of the assholes who go on hurting the rest of us may not exist in such a large amount. 

Now that we have covered the types of bullshit advice you're likely to be given, let's talk about how to spot & avoid the people who are going to be handing out this advice. 

1.) The high school aquantiance that still lives in your hometown & still has bad bangs. You will find these people at your younger siblings sports games, tournaments & functions. Especially around home coming. See, it's hard to gain perspective on life when you haven't even left your backyard. They tend to give advice on how to make substantial life changes while munching on pep rally popcorn. Avoid them. Just do it.

2.) The my-parents paid for college but I totally get student loans asshole. We all have this person in our life. Honestly, we've kept them around longer than we should have because the are always clutch to pay the over priced bar tab at our annual get togethers. They will lecture you on the best way to pay down that debt & how you should of negotiated for a better interest rate in the first place. Imagine punching them in the face & order another round of overpriced drinks. Feel instantly more comfortable with that 11.9% interest rate from that state school you hated anyway.

3.) The ex-boyfriend who is always available to help you move your couch. These ones become a little more rare as we grow up. You can't exactly have an ex coming over to rearrange your bookshelves when you've gotten married. If you've still got this guy hanging around, I'll let you decide if their advice is sound or not. You know they are going to tell you all the ways you are oh so fantastic & any guy would be great to have you...blah, blah, bullshit. This dude probably dumped you because he couldn't handle commitment but here he is watching movies with you every other Friday night. Kick that mother-fucker out & go get yourself a date with a guy who is ready to move beyond futons & x-box.

4.) The appealingly selfless, mothering type. These ones, they do everything for your group of friends. Constantly checking up on you & asking probing questions about your relationships, drinking habits &  silently judging your Netflix queue. They give overly sweetened doses of advice & it's always coated with some heart piercing criticism. "It is so not your fault he turned out to be an jerk, but if you didn't wear such low cut shirts you might find a nicer, quality guy." Put self tanner that is at least 3 shades too dark for this particular advice giver in their current bottle. Be sure to pass advice to them about testing products on a small area before going all out when trying a new product.

5.) The indecisive advice givers. "Maybe you should try this, no try that. I'm not really sure what I would do in your situation, but I think that, maybe you could just, um..." Sound familiar? Stop going to these people for advice! Just put your pensive thoughts into a Magic 8 Ball from now on. You will probably get further & make better decisions. 

Well, to those of you who have stuck with me to this point. Congratulations. 
You have now read another random persons brand of advice on the internet. I hope that in some ways this has helped you see the error in listening to every single piece of advice out there. I really hope, that you realized that the whole point of this is that you need to just do whatever the fuck it is that you want to do & quit waiting around for someone to give you advice on how to do it. 
You are your own unique, brilliant, awesome person & anything is possible if you stop letting yourself be bogged down by bullshit advice & opinions from outspoken assholes. Not everyone has your best intentions at heart & some people will purposefully say things to hurt or discourage you. They do not deserve your time, your thoughts or the joy of continuing to know you. Cut them from your life & go be exactly who you want to be. 
Or, come hang out with me. I'll never tell you who to be, I'll leave that up to you.