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Thursday, August 21, 2014

Blossoming Through Motherhood | Our Littlest Wolf Heads to Kindergarten

Motherhood | A Journey.
My journey into motherhood has not been a conventional one. Although, I plan to share my entire journey into & through motherhood, I'm just not ready for that today. What I am ready to share is a glimpse into this journey as our youngest headed off to begin her own journey into kindergarten today. I have so many emotions surrounding this time, as for the last 2 years I've described & defined myself as a stay-at-home-mom. Or more commonly refereed to in my head as, a-job-where-I-do-a-lot-of-work-&-someone-always-colors-on-the-walls. 
I wouldn't be being completely honest if I didn't admit that at some time throughout the past 2 years, I struggled. I struggled to allow myself to settle into this new role in life. I struggled to admit to people that yes, all I was-was a stay at home child wrangler. Luckily, with some humor, wit, & a slight online shopping problem, I've survived. The kids have THRIVED, which I'm proud to say. In my darkest moments, I wondered if I was ruining them, or breaking them, or changing them into people that they weren't meant to be. 
The past few years have been filled with buckets of emotions, hundreds of changes & so, so many lost pairs of socks. When I took on this role, when I became this person I had to be to make our little family work. I never allowed myself to think of what it would do to ME. I had to change, I had to approach everything I knew to be true in life differently, I had to give so much more love than I even knew I had. All of these things, all of these moments muddled together & somehow, we arrived at TODAY. 

Today. 

The day my youngest wolf went to kindergarten. 
She is the youngest of our crew. She is the funniest, most creative, adorable, sweet, headstrong little person. 
Today as I watched her walk into school, letting go of her sister & brothers hands as she proclaimed; "I'm not a baby. I'm in kindergarten. I can take myself to class. You guys go to 1st grade." 

A little piece of my heart broke & then bounded right back together. She was fearless, confident in herself. Being able to find her own classroom on her own on her first day is such a huge moment. 

Now, you may be wondering why I didn't walk her to class myself this morning... Our school does a great job of making the incoming kindergartners feel comfortable before school even starts. Danielle had spent 2 hours in her classroom yesterday afternoon, as well as some time at the school on Monday. The other great factor was that her classroom was also the twins classroom at the start of last year. 
If I allow myself to flash back to last year at this time, things were so, so different. The twins rode the bus on their first day & Justin & myself met them at the school to walk them to class. They needed us to be there. They needed us to assure them that this big, this huge step that they were taking was something amazing. We needed them to feel comfortable on their own, but that they would also still be connected to us while at school. 
Danielle is so different from Lilliana & Nikoli. She wants to give me hugs all day long, but she isn't afraid to let go of my hand to run off brightly into life. She wanted to ride the bus this morning & was adamant that I didn't meet her at school like I did last year with the twins. She has been excited for school for months, counting down until this morning, the moment when my little peanut officially became a kindergartner, a student. This is also the first time she is without the twins, or myself or Justin. She is on her own today & I know she will do fantastic. 
I, on the other hand...I am struggling to get through today. I miss her little voice calling out to me.

"MOOOOOOOMMM! Come look at this!!!"

"Mom, watch me."

"Mommy, I made a new song. Wanna hear it?" 

"Mom, I'm you're little peanut, always, right mom?" 

I miss coloring with her. I miss playing outside with her. I miss having her by my side while I make lunch or prep for dinner. I miss cuddling with her in the afternoon while she "reads" me stories. I miss reading book after book with her. I miss my little peanut so much that I planned to be out of the house for the majority of today & tomorrow, so that the first days she is away at school I'm not spent lamenting her (& of course the twins) absence while they are at school. 
I know 4:15PM is rapidly approaching & soon she will be gleefully running off the bus to the house with her brother & sister. 
I know that she will have had a super-Danielley day & that she will hug me & tell me that she missed me. I will tell her that I love her so, & that I missed her even more. Then she will sing me a song from Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood...

Mom, remember... "kids come back."
"Grown ups come back too..." 

That's the truth little peanut. You aren't leaving me forever. You are embarking on your very own journey. You are about to learn so many new things & experience so many wonderful moments. You are going to grow & change, you are going to become the best possible version of yourself. 
No matter what happens, I will always, always, be here waiting with a hug. Whether it's after a long day at school, or after you've made your first big mistake or when life as a grownup just isn't as you thought it would be. I will be here.  Love, Mom. 
To any of you parents out there whose kids just went off to school for the first time today, just take a deep breath. They will be just fantastic! You will be able to survive without them. They will be so happy to see you at the end of each day. Take a deep breath & know that they will be home soon.... 

I will be trying to do so myself. Check back in with me next week when Justin leaves for another work project for a while & all of the kids are in school during the day. ;) 

Of course I captured some pictures of the twins with Danielle this morning too. Check them out below.